I'm tired. I may not look it, but I am. I'm confused. I may not look it, but I am. I'm lonely. I may not look it, but I am. I'm sad. I may not look it, but I am. I'm hopeful. I may not look it, but......I am. I could go on and on about how I am feeling. But, the most generic and simplistic way to answer is to say, "I'm good, how about you?"
There are times I just want to tell the person who asks how I am doing how I REALLY am doing. I would say, "My son picked the skin off his fingers today, blood everywhere in the car, how is your kid?" Or I could say, "Today I had to hold my 6 year old son like he was a baby after a 20 minute screaming, crying, yelling, biting, hitting himself in the head kind of meltdown that he couldn't get himself out of and all I could do was wait until he was ready to be held before I could help him. So, how was your morning?" There is also, "Oh yes, my day? Well, I took my son and rest of the family into a furniture store because I wanted to look at the beautiful furniture and walk around a bit. We were just at a family members birthday party when my son was spun around and around, blindfolded. A definite no no. He was then encouraged to try to win by placing a princess sticker in the window of a castle that was on a pin-the-princess poster game. How did he do? In my eyes, he is always a winner, however he placed the sticker of the princess on the roof of the castle and not directly in the window sill where she needed to go. And when he took the blindfold off, his face went mute, he became stiff and couldn't breathe, he walked away saying he was nothing but a looser, he was fixated on leaving the party, he was very very angry and felt terrible about himself. I thought a small walk down a couple stores may distract him from his obvious frustration, oh how wrong I was. There was a balloon outside the furniture store tied to a chair. His frustration became channeled at wanting that balloon. The salesman was ever so kind and gave both of my sons a balloon. He was ecstatic about the balloon. I could actually walk around a bit and enjoy the beautiful things. What a relief you say? Sure, until the balloon left my sons hand and traveled up to the ceiling in the store. I was across the room, getting to him felt like an eternity. I could see it, the breakdown, this one would be montrous. His grandpa was standing next to him saying he will get another one, wrong choice in words, but it isn't easy to know what to say in our situation. His mouth opened wide, loud crying screams of a 6 year old start to ring out through the whole store. The salesman rushed over to get another balloon and I was trying to get to him through the many pieces of furniture. My father did not know what to do and then my 2 year old starts crying because his big brother is screaming. Then the customers in the store are looking at me like I have a spoiled brat of a son and I seem like a horrible mother. Sure, I'm having a good day. How is yours?"
Or I could laugh while telling someone about this day, "Today, my son said butt so many times I thought I worked in a Gastroenterology Clinic." Or, "Today, my son can't stop ending sentences and jokes with the word, cheese!" Cheese? Yeah, cheese. I do have to admit, when he is having a good day with no tantrums and he is running around ending sentences with the word cheese, I laugh. I have to. I want to. I do because I would rather him be making himself laugh than having a meltdown yelling out how terrible he is. So, he can say just about anything if it will make him laugh.
What would happen if I did tell someone about my day when they asked? Would I want to tell them about it? Could I tell them about it? Unless you are in my shoes you will never know exactly what I am trying to convey.
This is why it is so important for us to have eachother to have support groups or other forums to go to for understanding. We are as alone as we make ourselves to be, lets choose not to live with this alone. There is no shame to having a child with Autism. There is no shame in feeling that you can't go another day with the fixations or tantrums. There is no shame in feeling so blessed to have such a wonderful child who is so very different from other children. There is no shame in telling someone about your day.........because.........it IS your day.
